SLUSH PILE RESULTS


“From the Slush Pile” contest results

I actually got quite a few entries on this one, and I thought I’d share.

First of all, reference THIS POST to find the slush pile sentences to choose from.

The challenge was to take a sentence from the slush pile and expand it to a paragraph in the spirit in which the author (apparently) intended.

The resulting entries are pretty danged hilarious. Some came in from TMP, some from Consimworld, and some, actually, from literary-inclined Yahoogroups! Go figure!

Andy (TMP) said…
Freddy was in the habit of staring at Beverly’s legs as they peaked from her Susie Wong slit dresses. She had a dozen of them.

“Be careful what you wish for–” an expression Freddy now understood. He had meant to ask the Genie for a girl with a lot of leg– not a lot of legs!

The REAL Andy! (TMP?) said…
Ashala’s head felt like vermicelli slowly slipping off the platter of her sholders.

She knew when the pirates had taken her to this island that she would never be the same, but little did she know what power there was in his great noodly appendage. The FSM withdrew, having converted yet another folower to pastafarianism!

(Might make sense to a few of you…)

T.S. WILDE (Consimworld) sends:

1. Talan gestured at the controls. “Overheating of the glycgroms in the thermoperamulator. You know how it is.”

Moron nodded. “Yes, it’s almost as bad as the dayspan when the oscillatronulator leaked polytronomicrons all over the speculatronometer! How we laughed – once we’d cleared up the mess.”

“Good times,” murmured Talan, “Good times. I’ll miss Rabbitania.”

2. The afternoon was very calm but consolidated. The birds were singing but were not blithesome.

The clouds frolicked, if not with their usual winsomeness, across the corpulescent sky. It would be one of those days, full of perpetuosity, Carruthers meandered to himself, as he discombobulated his lovely cheese and hamming sandwich.

3. He groped in his trousers and came up with a dirty piece of trash which I thought he’d just throw away.

Instead, he whipped out a tiny digicam, snapped a digipic of the offending item and posted the disgusting picture on the WorldWideWalt for the sordid amusement of its mindless scions.

4. Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his men. It was one of the reasons he was chosen for this mission over six other equally qualified men.

He was to lead the elite Village People squad in their quest to rule the airwaves, armed with nothing more than a few catchy hooks and an array of costumes.

Weston stroked his moustache, adjusted his leather cap and cracked his whip. “Let’s do it. Destination: the YMCA…”.

Jason Schmidt (Consimworld) sends:

1. The eyes of the braver animals ran down my neck and spine.
The eyes of the craven animals I crushed beneath my feet as unworthy of my animal bath. The beasts soon learned the hierarchy of boldness within the dark confines of my slaughterhouse-cum-bath house and fought for recognition, each trying to outdo the other in feats of strength and reckless courage.

2. He whetted his lips.

Soon they were honed to a razor-sharpness, edges gleaming in the dim light. He moved on to his jawline, then eyelids, and so on. By the end of the afternoon every part of his face was brought to a fine, deadly edge. The Duel of the Faces would begin at sunrise, and Citizen 2847653-Prime had long since resolved to win at any cost.

Ronda Del Boccio (writer’s Yahoogroup) said…
Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his men. It was one of the reasons he was chosen for this mission over six other equally qualified men.

Yes, those six other men had tried hard, but only Weston could hold his men with such genital command. Without belittling them or balling them out, he let them know who was in charge. With his firm grasp guiding them, they all worked and moved as one.

Sean Hourihan (writer’s Yahoogroup) said…
Sudenly, all the eyes in the room rose from their fixed positions on the floor to stare at him.

The tempest raged about the mad king, its fury stoking the fires of his rage.

Knowing all was lost, he clutched at his face. ‘Begone you vile jellies!’ he screamed, ‘I cast you out!’

His eyes, bloodied and torn, fell to the floor. ‘Please Master,’ they beseeched, ‘do not cast us out.’

‘It is over,’ moaned the king.

‘But we don’t want to become autonomous body parts!’

‘It is done,’ said the king, ‘begone now and leave me in peace.’

Sudenly, all the eyes in the room rose from their fixed positions on the floor to stare at him.

Carys Weldon (writer’s Yahoogroup) said…
Miles looked deep into those clear blue eyes who’s debts were infinite.

He was crazed by the bills he’d racked up at the payday loan place in order to make payments on the mirror he bought from the witch who sold apples in the forest near the dwarf’s cottage. And the mirror wasn’t helping. Every time he looked into the reflection, it said, “You’ll never make enough money as a gigolo to pay your interest. Look at you! What’s that witch paying you, anyway? Apples? Look down, man, look down!”

Jennifer DiCamillo (writer’s Yahoogroup) said…
Mona was on the liquilounge, her dark eyes pouring over him like warm jello.

Purring like the survivor island rejectee that she was, she flicked her well-manicured finger in a slow come-hither as she said, “You stir me like instant pudding, Hot Rocket Boy. Why don’t you come over here and get things cooking?”

The hibachi was already fired up with mystery meat marinating. All she needed now was the milk man.

Mister Nizz (a familiar face) said…
Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged her and then gave her breasts a couple of playful pinches. “Commander please,” she said as she blushed and began yodeling.

“Hailing Frequencies are o-pen, sir, yodel-ee, yodel-ee, yodel-ee-hee-HOO!”

(not for scoring, just for S&G)

Matt “Darth Tater” Foster (Consimworld) sends:

“Bastard! I shall severe your soul.”

Winslow nodded in grim satisfaction. With a subtle flick of his wrist, he motioned for the class to repeat the phrase once again.

“Bastard!” twelve throats shouted in unison. “ I shall severe your soul.”

“Y después,” he continued: “En inglés, por favor: Aquí está mi pasaporte.”

“I shall thrust your sister’s face into my groin!” they replied.

Winslow took perverse satisfaction in the belief that every person in his class would, once again, go straight from Customs and Immigration to the big federal lockup in Atlanta. It might take him a decade, he reflected, but he would have his revenge on the world for being denied his Filipina mail-order bride.

Michael “Heart of Darkness” Reed (consimworld) adds:

Mona was on the liquilounge, her dark eyes pouring over him like warm jello.

1) “Mmmm, lovely,” he whispered while gazing into her now-empty eye-sockets, “Are you familiar with the term ‘skullf*ck’?”

2) Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged her and then gave her breasts a couple of playful pinches. “Commander please,” she said as she blushed and began yodeling.

The yodeling was just a coy distraction…while he was covering his ears to drown out the noise, Yeoman Rand made her move, grabbing Commander Scott by the testicles…frantically, Scottie hailed the bridge.

“Cap’n! I’va tried milkin’ the young lass as ye suggestid, but it dinnin do nary a bit o’ good! Now she’s a got me by the wee hairy lads, and is a threatn’in to shove my wiener in da warp drive!!”

NOTE: (Mike’s been in Nigeria a long time)

T.S. Wilde, our man in Qatar, (also Consimworld) sends:

Mona was on the liquilounge, her dark eyes pouring over him like warm jello.

“Mmmm, lovely,” he whispered while gazing into her now-empty eye-sockets, “Now add the ice-cream oozing from your cavernous nostrils…”

… Later that sultry afternoon, as Mona lay, satiated, on the gas-o-bed, he murmured into her recumbent, slowly solidifying ears, “I guess now I know how you got your name…” [continued page 94].

And the Winners…

1. Matt Foster: English Class gone very, very bad.
2. T.S. Wilde: Her Dark eyes like jello, cont. on page 94.
3. Jason Schmidt, “He whetted his lips…”

Of course, they are all rather good…